His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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