I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
