I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
