Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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