It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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