nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
