I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
