Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
