i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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