We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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