My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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