Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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