No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
