its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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