my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
