Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
