My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
