proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
