Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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