one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
