I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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