cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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