Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
