k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
