Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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