dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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