I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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