They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
