Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
