The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
