Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
