I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
