She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
