I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
