Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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