Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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