I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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