i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
