You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
