There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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