My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
