I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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