when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
