while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I had to cum in my sink.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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