it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
