I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
