the condom got lost in my hair
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
