By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
