Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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