Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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